2020-01-07
Brooke Strong
Rev. Susi Kawolics Good-bye Sermon
Scripture: Matthew 1:18-25
So, I have to admit, I am a bit jealous of Joseph. He found himself in a difficult position of having to make a really hard decision, and received a clear answer. I’m sure he struggled mightily with what to do in his relationship with Mary. Under the laws of that time, engagement was a legal contract, as binding as marriage, but not yet consummated. So when Joseph heard Mary was pregnant, it had to have been to be a devastating revelation. In his circumstance, all he could think to do was either publicly declare her infidelity and have her stoned, or dismiss the engagement, in other words- divorce her – quietly – and go on with his life without her. Neither one was a great choice, but he couldn’t see any other options.
And then, on the night before he was going to announce the decision he had made to divorce her quietly – an angel comes to him in a dream and presents him with a definitive solution to his problem, a clear message from God of what he should do, a third option that he hadn’t even considered, one that doesn’t make any logical or rational sense. The angel says, “Marry her. The child she carries is truly conceived of the Holy Spirit.” And Joseph, a righteous and faithful man, knows without a doubt what he has to do. Wouldn’t it be great if all of us had this experience of God’s messages coming to us that clearly when we have to make difficult decisions?
Hamilton shared with me last Sunday that he had read about Professor Peter Hawkins of Yale Divinity School who knew, without a doubt, when it was time for him to retire “the morning he woke with the words of an old Christian hymn on his lips. In a dream, he heard the churchy lyric, “Once in every man and nation comes a moment to decide.” And so he just knew that was a message from God that the time for his retirement had come. 1
I would have loved to have had that kind of certainty in my retirement decision. Couldn’t I have heard a song in my dream “Greetings Susi – it’s now time for you to retire from the Fed.” (TUNE BEACH SPRING). Then there would have been no question that I was following God’s call. But my dreams tend to be more confusing than clarifying. A few weeks ago I dreamt that one of these beautiful pine trees caught on fire during the lighting of the Advent candle. I also dreamt that our bulletins were printed in Chinese and no one could read them. Just what kind of message am I supposed to discern from those kinds of dreams?! Use electric candles? Learn Chinese?
Unlike it was for Joseph, for me, trying to follow God’s call has often been more like a vague nudge of uncertainty than a specific GPS instruction. And my journey has not been typical, logical or reasonable at many of my turning points along the way.
Many of you know my path, since I’ve shared it before. The brief recap is that I was raised in the Methodist Church, and then after marriage and a child, converted to Catholicism, my husband’s religion, while attending a wonderful Catholic Church. And then, in a great cosmic irony, or what I consider God’s amazing sense of humor, shortly after my conversion to Catholicism, I sensed my call to ministry. Of course the timing was not exactly ideal – as the Methodist church does ordain women, while the Catholic church . . . hmmm . . . not so much. From a purely practical, logical sense, one would have thought that I was misinterpreting, misunderstanding, mistaking this call to ministry. But it felt right deep in my gut, and so I pursued it, going through a formation program to become a certified lay ecclesial minister in the Catholic Church, and to Ursuline College to get my Master’s degree in Ministry.
That course of study changed my life, and deepened my spirituality and my sense of call tremendously. After graduation, I found a wonderful job with the Cleveland Catholic Diocese in the Office for Women, where I got to lead retreats and programs, plan events bringing in nationally renowned amazing women. I got to write prayers and articles, and even contribute to an Advent reflection booklet - all things I loved doing!
That was, though, only a temporary job, and lasted nearly 2 years. When it ended, I was adrift for a while, not only in pursuing employment, but also in my relationship with the Catholic Church. I finally came to a point where I could no longer reconcile my beliefs with the teachings of the church at the time, especially in light of the election in 2004 with the vote on the defense of marriage act in Ohio. I simply could not follow or condone the mandate of our Cleveland bishop who urged good Catholics to vote yes on this measure that said: Only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this state and its political subdivisions.
And so, that’s how on January 16, 2005, I found myself in the back pew of this sanctuary for the first step on what I had imagined would be long and multi-stop journey of my church shopping expedition. I know conventional wisdom says you’re not supposed to settle on the first thing you see when you’re shopping, but this was Federated Church, and so, I decided to trust my gut. I just knew in my heart that I really didn’t have to look any further after coming here. It was love at first sight!
One of the things that most drew me in was your mission statement: God accepts me just as I am and loves me too much to leave me that way. Federated accepts all people as they are and supports them in the spiritual journey. With Christ we offer hope and healing to change our world. And you, Federated Church, have lived fully into your acceptance of me, and your support of me in my spiritual journey.
While supporting roles are sometimes dismissed as unimportant, or negligible, they are, in actuality, crucial in so many ways. I think about Joseph who had only a supporting role in our sacred Christian story. He was behind the scenes, standing by his wife, who was fulfilling her call – and who gets much more of the attention than he does, even though Mary herself played a supporting role as well. They both nurtured their precious child, Jesus, from baby boy to Messiah.
We all need people in supporting roles in our lives as we seek to live into our call, into who God created us to be. When I embarked on this journey into ministry – my family was my Joseph. Even though, while we were dating, and I had told Rich about all my relatives who were ministers – my grandfather, my uncle, my cousins – and he said at that time – “I don’t think I could ever be married to a minister” – he has, obviously and fortunately, since changed his mind. He has never once waivered in his support of my fulfilling this call. My daughters have been my cheerleaders all along the way as well.
And you, Federated Church, have been my spiritual family of support throughout this journey. You offered me opportunities to live into my calling when I first came here, you were my sponsoring body when I entered the process of seeking ordination, you requested that the Association make me a licensed minister here back in 2008 in a volunteer position. This gave me the confidence and credentials to say, “Yes,” albeit with much trepidation and anxiety to an opportunity to pastor my first church, a nearby church that asked me to come in to cover a six month medical leave their pastor was taking in 2009. I was nowhere near ready for this responsibility. I questioned whether this could be the right next step in my call. But with the help and support and prayers of friends, colleagues and staff here, I was able to serve as their sole minister for what ended up being over two years. And the next step in this labyrinthian journey of mine happened just as that church was getting ready to call a settled pastor at the same time Rev. Dan DeWeese, Associate Pastor here announced his retirement. I sent an email to Federated asking if I might interview if they were looking for an interim associate pastor. Four weeks later I received an email saying that they had discussed it at Council, and decided to offer me the position. I started here as Pastor just as Dan was leaving, the timing was perfect. This time, although it wasn’t God speaking to me in a dream, it was a dream come true! And I said “Yes!” with no hesitation.
To say that I was over the moon with joy would be an understatement. And it only got better when you extended a call a few years later to make me your settled associate pastor, and then when I got ordained and installed here in October of 2014, which was nine years and nine months after I first stepped foot in this sanctuary.
The day of my ordination here was one of the happiest days of my life – just behind my wedding and the births of my children. These beautiful banners, and this stole were gifts given in honor of that occasion, created and inspired by the seven O Antiphons – the names for God traditionally used for praying during the last week of Advent, which are near and dear to my heart. Examples are O Wisdom of God come, O Dayspring, Come, and today’s, which is O King of All Nations, Come.
While I get to keep this stole in remembrance of you, you get to keep the banners in remembrance of me, and maybe you will think of the not real, but possibly appropriate 8th O Antiphon - O Susanna Come. For my ordination I was also gifted with this lovely quilt that I brought for you to see, made with sentiments expressed by a myriad of friends and family. I have felt so extravagantly celebrated and enveloped by love throughout my ministry here, and especially on that day of my ordination, and at my retirement dinner last week.
So maybe you’re asking yourselves – “Susi, if this is all true, why in the world are you retiring now? Why are you leaving us?” It probably doesn’t make logical sense, especially since I am a little young to retire without moving on to something else specific. Some of you may be asking yourselves if I’m leaving because I wanted to work fulltime as a pastor, or to be a Senior Pastor, or to go to another church, or to even to start my own church. I can answer all those in order for you: “No, Absolutely not, Are you kidding me?, Not on your life!” I have loved being part-time Associate Pastor HERE at Federated Church. My personality is such that I would rather be in a supporting role than a lead role. And I work so much better in collaboration with people than on my own – and the staff and leadership here at Federated are a dream! And I also LOVE not having to preach every Sunday. So it’s hard to make sense of, and understand, even for me, how I made this decision, but the truth is that even though I did not hear God’s voice distinctly in a dream or a song, I have felt stirrings and a pull towards something else, something different, for about a year now. And I may be totally misinterpreting, that is always a possibility. I love the Thomas Merton prayer that most of you are familiar with:
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end,
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.2
And that’s really all I can say about this decision. I am trying to follow God’s leading, even though I have no idea where it will take me. And – I have to say that it is really sad for me to leave, and I will miss you like crazy. But I think it would be so much sadder if I weren’t sad. As they say - Grief is the price we pay for love, and while this is not a death in the physical sense, it is a death, a loss of a specific and special relationship that we have. I know even after today that I will still see you – I live in the neighborhood after all – and whenever I bring my daughter grocery shopping with me at Heinen’s she says, “Really, mom, we aren’t even in the store two minutes before you run into someone you know from church!”
But in his book Running through the Thistles - Terminating A Ministerial Relationship With A Parish, Rev. Roy Oswald likens the last few weeks before a pastor leaves to a hospice situation. Because it is a relationship that is dying.3 And hospice suggests that the best leave-takings include 5 statements: “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you, and goodbye.”
And so, on that advice I’ll start with I’m sorry and please forgive me. There have been times when I’ve had such good intentions of visiting, making a phone call, reaching out, and I haven’t done it. There have been times I’ve said I would follow up with you, or when I’ve brushed past you, or have been distracted when talking with you, or have said or done hurtful things, and for all these – I am truly sorry and ask you to please forgive me.
I cannot possibly leave here without saying, “Thank you.” Thank you to you, Federated Church community, for being my church family in the truest sense of the word family for these last nearly fifteen years. I’ve been a staff representative on three of the five commissions in my time here, and have worked with so many church leaders and congregants, and the passion and dedication you have to the mission of this church has been remarkable. I have helped start and been an integral part of the Social Justice Advocacy Ministry Team, and have been stretched and challenged and amazed by their passion and example and teachings. Thank you, Federated congregation.
And – thank you Federated staff. What an incredibly hard working, passionate, dedicated, and also very fun group of people. I cannot even begin to tell you how fortunate you are to have them. They do their work beyond competently and with grace, all working more hours than they are contracted for. I had occasion to witness the depth of their care last January. On a Friday, my mom went into the hospital and we were told she had about two days left to live. I was supposed to preach that Sunday, and Mark graciously, without any hesitation, stepped in to do that. On that Sunday, my father-in-law went into hospice care, and died the next day. I spent my next two weeks between all things around his memorial, and staying by mom’s side during her last days. The staff picked up all my responsibilities and loose ends so I could be totally present to my family, and especially to mom. It was an incredible display of support, solidarity and love.
And I can barely even begin to put into words what it has been like to work with Hamilton, with whom I’ve worked the closest. It has been amazing to have him as a mentor, to have him as a sounding board for ideas, to have him as a confidante and advice giver, patient listener, and champion. Witnessing first hand the deep compassion he has for all of you shows me what pastoral care at its best looks like, and I have been the recipient of that care as well. And as seriously as he takes his work here, and he does, we have also been able to share some of the best laughter. He is a rare combination of deeply spiritual pastor, excellent preacher, compassionate presence, dedicated administrator and true friend. So take good care of him, Federated Church – he is truly a treasure.
Next, and appropriately on this last Sunday of Advent, the Sunday of love, I say simply, as if you haven’t been able to guess, “I love you, Federated Church.” This time away from you will be heart-breaking for me, and I promise to hold you in my heart and in my prayers. You have accepted me, you have supported me, you challenged me and have loved and nurtured me into becoming who I feel God has called me to be. Indeed, it has been my deepest joy to minister here.
So the last thing left to say is Good-bye-which is short for God be with you. And it happens to be the name spoken by the prophet in our reading this morning - “Emmanuel” – God with us. And to me, God is love. And so, on this fourth Sunday of Advent, this Sunday of Love, as I say, “Good-bye” I mean “God be with you” and “Love be with you.” And that is my hope and my prayer. I know all the love you have given me will be held and treasured in my heart. And I hope my love for you will go with you as well.
May we always know Emmanuel, God with us, Love with us every step of our journeys, no matter where they take us. And may we carry God’s love for us, and our love for each other deep in our hearts now and forever more. Amen.
1 https://divinity.yale.edu/news/peter-hawkins-retiring-scholar-teacher-and-preacher-transformed-lives-over-43-years-classroom
2https://reflections.yale.edu/article/seize-day-vocation-calling-work/merton-prayer
3Oswald, R. M. (2014). Running through the thistles: terminating a ministerial relationship with a parish. Lanham: Rowman & Littlefield.