2018-07-09
Brooke Strong
The Blessings of Rejection
Today we turn our attention to a different side of Jesus’ life and ministry. We will turn to some stories where the work of God was hampered by unbelief. The inability for Jesus and the disciples to do what God had commissioned them to do is negated by the non-believing Jews to whom they wanted to minister. We can assume that the reaction was the sense of rejection that Jesus and the disciples must have experienced.
Mark 6:1-13 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)
The Rejection of Jesus at Nazareth
6 He left that place and came to his hometown, and his disciples followed him. 2 On the sabbath he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were astounded. They said, “Where did this man get all this? What is this wisdom that has been given to him? What deeds of power are being done by his hands! 3 Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary[a] and brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon, and are not his sisters here with us?” And they took offense[b] at him. 4 Then Jesus said to them, “Prophets are not without honor, except in their hometown, and among their own kin, and in their own house.” 5 And he could do no deed of power there, except that he laid his hands on a few sick people and cured them. 6 And he was amazed at their unbelief.
Then he went about among the villages teaching. 7 He called the twelve and began to send them out two by two, and gave them authority over the unclean spirits. 8 He ordered them to take nothing for their journey except a staff; no bread, no bag, no money in their belts; 9 but to wear sandals and not to put on two tunics. 10 He said to them, “Wherever you enter a house, stay there until you leave the place. 11 If any place will not welcome you and they refuse to hear you, as you leave, shake off the dust that is on your feet as a testimony against them.” 12 So they went out and proclaimed that all should repent. 13 They cast out many demons, and anointed with oil many who were sick and cured them.
May God add a blessing to these holy words.
Shawn was a young man with a burning desire to enter seminary after college. He was a white South African who had come to volunteer with our Federated youth group as we repaired a roof on a children’s day care. This day care was important as it provided very inexpensive child care for black moms who needed to work. As often happens, over the course of the afternoon, Shawn opened up to me and told me part of his story.
As a white teen from a divorced family that had very limited means, Shawn nonetheless felt duty bound by his faith to affiliate with the blacks and colored folks of South Africa who were so oppressed. His decision to stand against apartheid was met with ridicule from his school and college friends, and deep embarrassment from his own family. He felt the cost of rejection as the whites in his life alienated him for his decision to march and affiliate with non-whites who were looking for freedom from one of the most oppressive governments in the world. He made new friends, both white and black, and he found great assurance that he was doing the right thing.
Many his age in the Dutch Reformed church were also marching and protesting apartheid. You may remember that the Dutch Reformed Church was known as the church that openly supported apartheid and sort of “sanctified” apartheid by gross misuse of scripture. And as the students set their intention on a different position than the church, the leadership in the church and college became abusive. For a time, Shawn felt pressure from all sides, but he was convinced that God required him to stand for freedom.
After apartheid finally fell, Shawn found himself more alone and rejected than during his time of protest. Now, along with his family and some of his friends treating his as a cast-off, many of his newly freed black and colored friends were no longer interested in his time, energy or friendship. They distrusted whites and Shawn found himself categorized as suspicious because he was white. The sense of rejection that he experienced was nearly overwhelming to him, and he found himself looking for new circles of support as he tried to figure it all out.
Shawn was not able to do the good that he believed God had for him to do. His ministry dreams were thwarted, which was why he was so happy to be working with us.
Lizzy was a former youth group member from Ravenna. I always wondered why, after years of involvement in our youth group, she suddenly disappeared. She did not respond to attempts to reach out to her. Over the decades, I all but forgot her, until she reached out to me on Facebook. We friended and that was nice.
About two years ago she needed some help. The struts on her front tire had aged and as she was driving to work, the wheel system totally collapsed and upon inspection, she found that her tire was not flat to the ground with lots of mechanical stuff hanging off. Our church helped her, even though she did not live in our community. I put out a call for help, sharing some of what I had learned about her from FB and our Mission and Service Commission gave a significant sum to assist in getting her back on the road. Her gratitude was boundless.
But then I noticed over the next couple of years that she was extremely bitter. Through her posts on the news feed, I learned that her husband divorced her and she lost all custody and visitation of her children. I knew that she had married an immigrant, and that after he received his citizenship, he tossed her off like a piece of garbage, which is what I learned he called her. I learned some other real sad things, and this late winter, when she contacted me about another need, I wrote her a personal email to see what was going on.
The story she shared with me began at home. She was terribly abused by her mother and brother. He father knew, but would not intervene to help her. Her one bright spot was our church youth group. Over time, the church youth began to be abusive to her. She had no friends, but stuck it out.
She signed up for church camp. As one of our programs for the kids, we contacted their parents and asked for two letters that each camper would receive during our evening programs. The light on the faces of the kids when we do this is simply miraculous. But Lizzy’s parents refused to write the letters. Some of us, as her counselors at camp, wrote her letters of love and support. But she was not stupid. She knew that we wrote because her parents would not.
Slowly, she disappeared. The rejection was just too much.
Recently she told me that she prayed about the hurt of rejection, but God seemed silent. Unapproachable. Distant.
After church camp, Lizzy asked her mom why she and her father didn’t send letters for camp. Her mother told her that she would not waste her time on a loser. Why write some lovey-dovey note to someone she regretted having in the first place. Then she smacked her daughter – just because.
Friends, there is so much more to Lizzy’s story. And so far, there is no happy ending.
Same with Shawn. He became so weary in the rejection of his life, that he dropped his dream of seminary and took a job to make enough money so that he could move out of his parents’ home and just be away from family, friends and students.
And what about us – each of us here today.
When we are the most honest, we will acknowledge that we have often felt the shame and embarrassment of rejection. It may have been at school, or it may have been at work. It might have been something that marked you for life. Or it may be one of those nagging times of self-doubt at being treated poorly. However, universally, we have all received rejection, just as Jesus and his disciples did.
The process may have been much the same as Jesus experienced. From our reading in Mark, we can see some mechanics of rejection. There seems to be a process that is familiar. Perhaps you have experienced rejection in much the same way.
First we read that the community acknowledged Jesus and affirmed that his teachings and miracles were remarkable. “What wisdom Jesus shows in his preaching!” they say. “What wonders he has accomplished. It is all truly magnificent.”
But then a voice presents the doubt. “Wait, we know this guy. That’s Mary’s kid, the carpenter. We know his brothers and sisters. I remember when …” and they told each other what they remembered of Jesus.
This was followed by a diminishing of Jesus because now he is Mr. Smarty Pants and we knew him when. Scripture says people were offended by Jesus.
“Who does he think he is? Saying we need to reflect on our relationships with God. And telling us to repent from our sins. Or saying that we are not in the best health we could be in and let me heal you. Where does he get off speaking down to us? We don’t need his help. He’s just a laborer, after all. He’s no better than we are…” and so on.
It ends with scripture telling us that the good Jesus could have done with those people, he was not able to do. Their unbelief and rejection cut or quenched the Holy Spirit.
It is not surprising that this hurt we experience in rejection is a matter of great concern in our current global community. Psychologist Guy Winch, who writes for Psychology Today and other outlets, has been studying the rise in rejection in our culture. In a post online, Dr. Winch writes, “Rejections are the most common emotional wound we sustain in daily life. Our risk of rejection used to be limited by the size of our immediate social circle or dating pools. Today, thanks to electronic communications, social media platforms and dating apps, each of us is connected to thousands of people, any of whom might ignore our posts, chats, texts, or dating profiles, and leave us feeling rejected as a result.
He continues, “In addition to these kinds of minor rejections, we are still vulnerable to serious and more devastating rejections as well. When our spouse leaves us, when we get fired from our jobs, snubbed by our friends, or ostracized by our families and communities for our lifestyle choices, the pain we feel can be absolutely paralyzing. Whether the rejection we experience is large or small, one thing remains constant — it always hurts, and it usually hurts more than we expect it to.”
Winch’s research found that the ease with which people can anonymously criticize us, or snub our ideas or convictions, and never reveal who they are is especially damaging. He speculates that many of us just give up and we become self-insulated and detached because of the fear of further rejection or denunciation.
I see it in my counseling of adults and teens. A student is rejected by new friends for begin a person of faith. A parent is criticized and called a bad parent when she puts her foot down of her son’s behavior and takes his phone and driving privileges. Other moms feel compelled to tell her that she is a bad mother and endangering her son’s mental health, safety and social relationships. Others come to share how badly it worked out for them as they spoke the truth about situations on the job. Just yesterday a friend who is an executive told me that his days are likely numbered for pointing out numerous hazards and problems with a radical restricting that his company is making. As a senior member of the leadership, he believed that his long experience and knowledge would matter. But others felt slighted by his accurate observations and took them personally. They began criticizing him and now he sees it all tumbling. The sense of rejection he feels is overwhelming and he wishes he had not said anything at all, even though he knows that his observations are entirely correct.
So what do we do? How do we maintain our own sense of self-worth when we are crippled by rejection?
Dr. Winch offers three suggestions. He believes that the damage of rejection we experience is brought on by the ways we process the experience. He says, “Have Zero Tolerance for Self-Criticism.” In other words, in the face of rejection, don’t create further, unnecessary pain by calling yourself a loser. He says beating ourselves up has absolutely no psychological or emotional benefit.
Next he suggests, “Revive Your Self-Worth.” In the Old Testament we can read in I Samuel 30:6 these words, “The men in the army were threatening to kill David with stones, which greatly upset David. Each man was sad and angry because his sons and daughters had been captured, but David found strength in the Lord his God.” One translation says that David encouraged himself in the Lord. Positive self-talk is powerful and it works. Match rejection with thinking that commits to learning lessons, or celebrating the truth that you stood by. This is much better than berating yourself.
Finally, Winch says we should “Boost Feelings of Social Connection.” If your current FB crowd is abusive, change your social media connections and defriend the abusers. Or, rather than feel snubbed by critical friends, get new friends, or focus on a social group that you haven’t been hanging out with as much.
What does Jesus have to say on the matter? I think Jesus agrees with Dr Winch. Using different words, Jesus tells his disciples to “shake the dust off of your shoes.” In other words, when it comes to those who reject you, literally, forget them as much as is appropriate. Strong stuff.
Lizzy recently told me that she reached out to her mother, and after years of not seeing her, she asked he mom for permission to come and visit. Her mother told her she only had a son, not a daughter. Liz appealed to her father; he said it was probably best that she not bother them any longer.
Devastating. She literally has no one. Yet, my suggestion was to do two things – move on with her life and find a local church in which she can find new friendships and affiliations. Please pray for Lizzy – and for Shawn.
God has given us the promise of eternal life. But this life is of limited duration. We must consider the investment of our limited time and energy. Friends, I believe the Bible supports me when I say it is not wise to feed a black hole of rejection. What we water will be what grows in the gardens of our lives. Don’t water the weeds. Let them die off and move on. As Jesus was suggesting to his disciples, we are better served by turning our energies in ministry to those places that will receive our care and help.
While rejection is certainly part of life and intrinsic in being human, we can nonetheless monitor how we talk to ourselves about life’s rejections and move ahead with new strategies. That’s what Jesus told his disciples. That’s what Dr. Winch tells his readers. And that’s what I’m suggesting to you.
Now, having brought to you this morning a rather difficult message, I’d like to end with two jokes. This is to serve as balm, not as apology!
Husband: Look at that drunken woman.
Wife: Who is she?
Husband: Well dear, ten years ago she proposed to me and I rejected her.
Wife: My land. And she’s still celebrating.
A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.
You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something."
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"
May you sense God’s close presence each day in the week to come. Amen